Hannibal Auditions
by Rosemary McCabe
Summary: This is what happens when your favorite actors and characters audition for Hannibal. Any suggestions, email me. Rated PG due to a few mature references and a few naughty words. This has been an ongoing creation since 2002.
1. The Silence Is Broken

Disclaimer: The actors chosen were mostly random, and I have no problem with any of these actors at all.  
  
Audition One  
  
Arnold Schwarzanegger: Hello, Clarice... *Spots Julianne Moore.* .........Oh, man... *Schwing.* I'll be back! *Runs to the bathroom.*  
  
  
Audition Two   
  
Vanna White: Vowels in or out?  
Ridley Scott: ...Who let a woman audition for the part of Hannibal Lecter, and it's BOWELS!  
  
  
Audition Three  
  
Paul Krandler: ...Huh?  
Adam Sandler: GOD, YOU'RE SUCH A MORON! THAT'S THE MILLIONTH TIME YOU'VE SAID THAT! *Throws chair over.*  
  
  
Audition Four  
  
Michael Jackson: Hel--  
Ridley Scott: Too feminine of a voice..  
Jacko: *Runs off crying.*..  
  
  
Audition Five  
  
Christopher Lloyd: *Eyes bulge.* GREAT SCOTTS!  
RS: ....WRONG MOVIE!  
CL: .....Alrighty then?  
RS: ....  
CL: WE'RE NOT IN KANSAS ANYMORE, TOTO?! Come on, what am I supposed to say?!?!?!?!  
  
  
Audition Six  
  
RS: ...Do we have to audition this kid? He's not even old... and all he has is the eyes and the height...  
Producers: *Nod.*  
Elijah Wood: ...*Steps in.*  
RS: ...Go ahead...  
EJW: The Ring of P--  
RS: WRONG BLASTED MOVIE!  
EJW: Oops, sorry. Wrong script. *Flips papers around.* The apostle Paul disliked women as well.  
RS: ....You do realize we'd have to make you look old if you get the part, right?  
EJW: *Runs off screaming.*...  
  
  
Audition Seven  
  
Julianne Moore: I would really like some wine, Dr. Lecter..  
David Duchovny: *Blink, blink.* Why are you calling me Dr. Lecter? I thought this was Evolution...  
RS: ...I GIVE UP! 


	2. The Madness Continues

Another section! Back by request for new actors! Thanks to you guys who thought of them. =) The actors I chose from the Reviews were the ones I had heard of and knew how they act sometimes, so yeah.  
  
Audition Eight  
  
Sean Connery: Are you, by any chance, trying to chase my whereabouts, you naughty girl?  
Female Producers: *Swoon.*  
RS: ...We need a threatening person, not someone who's going to make our ladies' panties wet...  
  
  
Audition Nine  
  
Sylvester Stallone: *Runs in with boxing gloves.* It's the... EYE OF TH--  
RS: ...OUT!  
  
  
Audition Ten  
  
Eddie Murphy: Are you back on the case? If so... *Giddy happy dance.* GOODY GOODY!  
RS: ...Who is CHOOSING these people?!  
  
  
Audition Eleven  
  
Britney Spears: ...I've come all this way to see you run... Let me run a little, hm?..*"Seductive" dancing, shirt pops off.* ...Oops! I did it again...  
  
  
Audition Twelve - The *N SYNC trauma bestowed upon poor Mr. Scott.  
  
Justin: Bowels in or out? *Sees an attractive producer. Walks over to her.* So, whatchoo doin' later?  
Britney: JUSTIN! *Runs off crying.*...  
Joey: Mmmm... Bowels...   
Lance: ...Are we supposed to be auditioning now?  
JC: *Chases a young female while doing vigorous pelvic thrusts. Knocks Chris over.*  
Chris: *Thump. Scream.* ....MEDIC?!?!  
  
  
Audition Thirteen  
  
Crocodile Hunter: Alright! Now, what I'm gonna do, is I'm gonna just sneak up on poor, unsuspecting Clarice, and give her a bit of what I'm talkin' about!  
RS: ...What the fuck is he talking about?  
  
  
Audition Fourteen  
  
Jackie Chan: I should really like to see you, Clarice!  
RS: ...I don't think Hannibal Lecter is Japanese... sorry..  
JC: RACIST PRICK! *Drop kicks, then walks out.*  
  
  
Audition Fifteen  
  
Woody Allen: ...This uh... this here is a knife...  
RS: ...NOT SO MODEST!  
WA: *Scared whimper.*...  
  
  



	3. Hell RETURNS!

More suggestions are mighty helpfu, guys. =) Here are more, by request. Once again, the actors portrayed are the ones I know a little about/have heard of.  
  
  
Audition Sixteen  
  
Mel Gibson: Get down, Clarice! *Tackles Julianne Moore protectively to the ground.*  
Julianne: *Thud.* OFF! OFF NOW!  
RS: ...This is not Lethal Weapon FIVE, Mr. Gibson...  
  
  
Audition Seventeen  
  
Chris Rock: *Speaks rather loudly while pouring wine.* THE APOSTLE PAUL DISLIKED BLACK PEOPLE AS WELL.  
RS: ...What the hell?  
CR: ..I was trying to be funny...  
RS: There is no comedy of the like in this movie..  
CR: ...Damn...   
  
  
Audition Eighteen  
  
Host of Hollywood Squares: Whoopi, according to national survey, people prefer to hang with their bowels in rather than out. True or false?  
RS: ..What the hell are these people smoking? Get out, man...  
  
  
Audition Nineteen  
  
Jim Carrey: Y'know, Clarice... *Dramatic pause, strange, constipated face. Dog-moose sort of voice, singing.* IIIIIII LOOOOOOOOVE YOUUUUUUUUU...  
RS: ..I think I want to shoot myself.  
  
  
  
Audition Twenty  
  
Chris Kattan: *Cheerful voice.* Yeah! Let's do it, Pazzi!   
RS: Jesus Christ...  
  
  
Audition Twenty-One  
  
Julianne Moore: ..I'd really like some wine, Dr. Lecter..  
Adam Corrola(sp?): ...BEAT IT... POUR IT YOURSELF.  
Julianne: *Mutters.* Asshole..  
  
  
Audition Twenty-Two  
  
Jimmy Kimmel: The apostle Paul disliked women a-- *Sees Julianne.* ...Wow. Nice BOOBS!  
Julianne: *SMACK!* 


	4. When Will It End?

Audition Twenty-Three  
  
Steve from Blue's Clues: Okay. Can you help us? ... Great! Which body belongs to Rinaldo Pazzi?  
  
  
Audition Twenty-Four  
  
Gallagher: *Smashes Krendler's head like a watermelon.*  
RS: Oh, Jesus...  
  
  
Audition Twenty-Five  
  
Barney: Hiya, fellas! *Waddles in, in all his eternally gay purpleness.*  
Krendler: *Shoots himself.*  
RS: We do -not- need another EXTINCTION LEVEL EVENT in MY STUDIO!  
  
  
Audition Twenty-Six  
  
Bill Clinton: *On the carousel. Rides by. Attempts to touch her hair, but ends up falling off; onto her. Suddenly horny. Hump, hump, hump.*  
Julianne: *Sprays mace.* !!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
RS: ...SHE'S FINALLY LEARNED!  
  
  
Audition Twenty-Seven  
  
Chevy Chase: Hello. I am Hannibal Lecter, and you are not.  
RS: ....  
  
  
Audition Twenty-Eight  
  
Martin Short: *Walks in with his "Glick apparel."* Are we ready for another movie, kiddies? Of course. Wait, am I auditioning yet?  
  
  
Audition Twenty-Nine  
  
The Movie Geek: Directed by Ridley Scott, originally written by Thomas Harris, this movie stars Julianne Moore as Clarice Starling and an undecided actor, which will most likely be me, the Movie Geek, as Hannibal Lecter: this movie is Hannibal. I'm ready for my audition now.  
RS: ... That WAS your audition... 


	5. More Auditions

Audition Thirty  
  
Bruce Willis: *Clutching the thing Pazzi's tied tp, staring out the window. Grabs the phone when it rings.* Clarice, is that you?.. *Doesn't wait for an answer.* Are you nearby? I'd like to see you. GIVE ME ANSWERS, NOW!  
  
  
Audition Thirty-One  
  
Mr. Rogers: It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood... *Pushing the cart holding Rinaldo Pazzi.* A beautiful day for a neighbor...  
  
  
Audition Thrity-Two - Teletubby Terror  
  
Dipsy: *Runs around, bonking people with his head piece.* DIPTHY!  
Po: *Goes up to Julianne Moore. Hump, hump.* Bite my butt!...  
JM: *Mace.*  
LaaLaa: *Giggles, chasing poor Anthony Hopkins around, who is located at the very end of the audition line.*  
Tinky Winky: *Attempts to serenade Ridley Scott.*  
RS: JESUS, NO!  
  
  
Audition Thirty-Three  
  
Tom Hanks: I'd like to say how in love I am with you, Clarice.  
RS: ..This isn't romance. You moron.  
TH: *Mutter.*..Stupid is as stupid does.. 


	6. Ridley Scott's Tormentors Return

Heyyyyyyyyyy! After my hiatus, I AM BACK and I've read your reviews. Some were confusing, some I understood, all I appreciated. Remember to keep your suggestions coming and I'll keep writing when I can. Sorry I couldn't stock up on my star knowledge, but for those actors with whom I'm familiar, I shall pick on them. =]  
  
  
Audition Thirty-Four  
  
Hayden Christensen: *Whips out a light saber. Staggered breathing.* Clarice.... *Inhale, exhale.* I.. am....... your uncle... *Burns self.* ...Ow! I knew I should've trained more before auditioning...  
  
  
  
Audition Thirty-Five  
  
Jack Nicholson: *Keeps his rhythm like he normally does.* ...Ya gotta be a straightshooter... and hang with your bowels out right the first time... *Slices Pazzi open, throws him out the window.* So long, sucker...  
  
  
  
Audition Thirty-Six  
  
Ewan McGregor: And IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII... *Kneels down before Julianne.* ...will always love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...  
RS: *Walks up to Ewan, being sure to make a swift kick to one of his exposed shins.*...  
  
  
  
Audition Thirty-Seven  
  
John Wayne: This Caponi library ain't big enough for the two of us... *Climbs off his horse.*  
RS: *Pulls out a gun, aims it toward his head.*...  
Julianne: Me first... *Grabs gun, aims.*...  
  
  
  
Audition Thirty-Eight  
  
Joe Pesci: ...HEY! I don't need bowels in my victims! *Slice, toss.*  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Once again, sorry for my long hiatus. 


	7. A Sad Departure

Another extremely long hiatus, sorry. Oh, as for this Zthing.com ripoff shit, could someone kindly fucking explain to me what Zthing.com even is? Wow, you have a similar idea as someone and suddenly it's stealing, when you've never seen it in your life.  
  
I've seen a variety of Johnny Depp movies, but I'm on a brain fart and can only do an Edward Scissorhands thing... so just know that I used the character names for him instead of his name. Just easier that way...  
  
Audition Thirty-Nine  
  
Johnny Depp as Edward Scissorhands: In or out? -sliceslice.-  
  
Julianne: -screams.-  
  
Edward: I'M NOT FINISHED!  
  
Extremely sorry, as I used to have a lot of fun doing this. I'll try my best to work on new things and "steal" more shit... a.k.a., make shit up. Taadaa. Keep checking back... 


	8. Yoda as Hannibal: the Legacy

I have returned from another tremendously long hiatus to attempt the requests I'm familiar with. If some of the celebrities are repeats, I apologize, but I'm going through reviews to get these done. Thanks for all of the ideas! By the way, I gotta say... Shir-ran, if you see this... your review cracked me up. 

**Audition Forty**  
** Yoda:** In or out, bowels you would like?  
**Julianne:** _-Stares-_  
**RS:** Maybe someone who doesn't talk backwards.  
**Yoda:** Try again, I must?  
**RS:** No. Get out of here you freaky green Sesame Street reject...

**Audition Forty-One  
Country Wester Singer:** And I'm brokenhearted, 'cause my wife's retarded, and killed everyone who pissed me off a little too much... _-whine whine, twang twang-_  
**Gollum:** IT BURNS US! IT BURNS US!  
**RS: **WHO THE FUCK LET GOLLUM IN?  
**Julianne: **Elijah Wood.  
**RS:** ...

**Audition Forty-Two  
Tom Cruise:** You know this whole hanging you from a balcony thing won't hurt at all. Just take some vitamins and take a walk and you'll be fine.  
**Brooke Shields:** _-Comes out of left field and pummels TC with an ominously large wet noodle.-_ DIEEEEEEEEEEE  
** RS:** ... Brooke, are you looking for work?

**Audition Forty-Three  
Who Wants To Be A Millionaire Music:** BUHDUHDUHDUHDUHDUHDUH!  
**Regis Philbin:** For $125,000... who's going to hang from the second floor of the Capone Library tonight? Is it (A) Clarice Starling, (B) Yoda-  
**Yoda: **KILL YOU, I WILL!  
**RP:** ... (C) Tom Cruise, or (D) Rinaldo Pazzi?  
**RS:** ...

**Audition Forty-Four  
Martha Stewart:** Today, we'll be making these lovely doilies out of the organs making up Rinaldo Pazzi's digestive track.  
**RS: **Who let this freak out of jail?

**Audition Forty-Five  
Danny DeVito:** _-walks in-_  
**RS:** ...OUT!

**Audition Forty-Six  
Britney Spears:** Now, now, you know I don't like rude people.  
**Yoda:** SUCK, YOU DO!  
**Britney:** BITCH! I'LL KILL YOU!  
**Tom Cruise:** This is why we have to accept Scient-  
**Yoda, Britney:** _-Decks TC with a lawn mower that just happened to be laying around.-_

**Audition Forty-Seven  
Charlton Heston:** _-clears throat-_  
**RS:** Remember we are not playing God this time.  
**CH:** ... With these ten com-  
**RS:** I WILL CUT YOU IF YOU DON'T GET OUT RIGHT NOW.

**Audition Forty-Eight  
Hayden Christensen: **Clarice... I've come all this way to see you run. Let me run a little, huh? _-blank stare-_  
**RS:** What's wrong with him?  
**Julianne:** _-whispers-_ Inability to change facial expressions.  
**RS:** ... No wonder Episode 2 sucked...

**Audition Forty-Nine  
Jack Nicholson:** HEEEEEEEERE'S HANNY!  
**RS: **Oh please God, either kill me or him.  
**God:** _-aims-_

**Audition Fifty  
Christopher Walken: **_-SLICE-_  
**Julianne:** _-screams as Ray Liotta's head falls off-_  
**RS:** ...MEDIC! Oh, and someone should probably call the mental institution too.  
**CW:** Aren't you Tim Burton?  
**RS:** ... No...

**Audition Fifty-One  
Jodie Foster:** _-walks in-_ Where is Julianne Moore?  
**Julianne:** .. Right here?  
**JF:** YOU BITCH! _-tackles-_  
**Male castmembers:** _-drool as catfight ensues-_

**Audition Fifty-Two  
Robin Williams:** I eat lungs, dunna nunna nunna nunna nuh.  
**RS:** Oh I just want to hang myself.

**Audition Fifty-Three  
Orlando Bloom:** _-In typical Orly line delivery-_ Is this Clarice? Why hello, Clarice. It's been a while, hasn't it?  
**RS: **Who let the elf in?  
**Julianne:** Elijah Wood.  
**RS:** ... _-shoots EJW evil glares from across the room-_

**Audition Fifty-Four  
Brad Pitt:** The first rule of the Capone Library is you DO NOT TALK ABOUT THE CAPONE LIBRARY.  
**RS:** Go back to Angelina...


End file.
